Flirting

It is said all the time that everybody enjoys a little flirting. After all, what’s wrong with a little fun? “It’s harmless! I didn’t mean anything by it!” Unfortunately, there is nothing ‘harmless’ about flirting. Flirting, if you are in a relationship, is infidelity, and I will be happy to argue the point.

You see, it is all about intent.

It has been stated that flirting is indistinguishable from any other compliment that you would pay some one. A compliment is just that a compliment. Once uttered, heard or not, it falls to the floor, its purpose fulfilled. Answer this, when was the last time you witnessed a self professed “flirt” compliment an unattractive complete stranger without wanting something from them? The greasy mechanic that wants to charge more than one is willing to pay is the easy choice. How about the nerdy guy at the electronics store? Or maybe the sales guy at the cell phone kiosk? When was the last time you witnessed the flirt compliment someone with out gaining a single thing for it?

What’s the difference? A flirtatious comment is loaded with intent. What intent? Easy, to further the time spent with the flirtee in an effort to further the relationship along. Whatever the nature if the relationship may be or however a beneficial outcome will aid the flirt is the ultimate goal of flirting. They flirt to gain something.

You can compliment a person on something and that is that. You don't care if they hear it, or accept it, or even acknowledge it, though one would expect that they do at least acknowledge it. However, if you are flirting, the very weight behind the compliment is delivered as well, and that amount of investment becomes important. If it goes by unacknowledged the flirter is a tad put off. The prize is eluding them. Their hard work or witty efforts are being rebuffed. The flirt has to have their comments accepted.

Would you like to know why? Without the acceptance of the comment they are not allowed to continue on to the next level. They are shut out on the spot and will most likely try again with a little more vigor or they will move on. For what purpose is there the need to go to another "level" if not to hope for an opportunity at something else? I wonder what that "something else" could be if the recipient is not their current partner. What possible gain could they desire to make if not to spend more time with their quarry?

This does not mean that one cannot engage in a lively conversation with someone. It simply means that if you do, that you have no desire to get any specific outcome for having the conversation. Talk all you want, but be careful.

If you are in a relationship, respect the relationship. Any desire to get into someone's pants should be directed at your partner and flirting directs your attentions, and intentions, elsewhere.

An Excerpt

This is from a book I'm in the process of writing about what it means to be a Man. This section is from the chapter on infidelity and how a Man views it:

I was married and it turned sour a few years into it. I will not lie and say that I was without blame. I can be blamed for allowing it to happen, and I can be blamed for not fighting harder to keep it. I can be blamed for accepting the myriad of excuses I came up with that gave me another day to not leave. Ego can suck. Ego can keep you where you don't want to be when every part of your being is telling you to get out. Ego can leave you high and dry in the middle of the night with no ride home. Ego will get you killed. My ego kept me in a sexless and loveless marriage for several years. I had every right to cheat, right? Let's see. On the night in question I had plenty of excuses to do it.

• She let me go to the club, she actually insisted that I go.
• She refused to come along after repeated requests.
• Our marriage was sexless for quite some time up to that point.
• We had grown very far apart physically and emotionally.
• I'd been drinking before I was approached by the woman.
• This woman offered time and again to dance and to buy me a drink.
• She followed me out to the dance floor after my refusals.
• She reappeared after being gone several times and repeatedly initiated converstation.
• She expressed interest and asked me to leave the club with her.
• She was in from out of town and was only staying for a few days in a hotel close by.

All of this, every little nuance of opportunity was ripe with a viable excuse for me to finally relent or to give in. Yet I didn't. I doubt my wife would have cared at that point in the marriage. I doubt that my friends would have seen it as inexcusable based on what they knew of my marriage. Though they did not know a lot, what was known might have certainly allowed for some indiscretion on my part. Yet I didn't do it.

Am I to be applauded for this? I don't think so. You see, there is only one viable reason that I had not to; I was a Man. Definitely not the same Man that I am now, but a Man nonetheless.

At that moment I was faced with a decision: Engage in an evening of what could be mind-blowing sex, anonymous and care-free with a woman that wanted me for nothing other than that, never to be heard from again and never to surface to disclose any of the events of the evening.

Or, I could remain intact in my convictions by keeping my word to my wife and those that were in attendance at our wedding. I would be able to get up and look myself in the mirror and not have to offer up excuses or rationalizations as to why I was justified in cheating on her. I wouldn't have to lie to my wife about it, and I would be able to sleep at night, at peace with myself for not doing it.

To me, and any Man, the latter is the only option. Even when we are faced with the security of knowing that no one will ever find out, it always comes back to the fact that WE will know. That fact alone, that crushing blow to our self respect is what makes it a non-decision for us.

I will tell you that I never accepted a drink from her, I never danced with her, I walked away from her when she appeared behind me on the dance floor and politely refused her advances by letting her know that I was married.

My friends found it curious that this happened, the first night that I had gone out with them. I am chased around for the evening, then I don't even accept a drink! Or a dance!

"What's the harm in accepting a drink, for crying out loud?" Simple, it is accepting an advance from someone. They will then try another and another. They will think that you are available and willing, even if you have no intent to be whatsoever. That is the signal that you are sending. You're telling them that you are accepting of their advances and possibly available for whatever may follow. I wasn't available for anyone but my wife. Whether she would have me or not. I was hers and I pledged as much to her on our wedding day.

I don't think of myself as a particularly handsome man. I was never approached in that manner before. She was, to me, an attractive woman. I was getting the attention from her that my marriage was denying me. But I knew that I couldn't do it. It was never even an option for me to do it. I was a married Man. And to me, that was the only thing that mattered.


As I mentioned, it is a work in progress. It is for a book that deals with the differences between a Man and a Guy. I've been working on it for some time now. Just figured I'd put it out there for any comments.

Attractive vs. Attracted To

It has been brought to my attention that there is some crossover in the idea that simply because someone is attractive, one is attracted to them. I don’t feel that this is the case, as I will point out.

I am in a fantastic relationship with a very beautiful and giving woman. I refer to this fact to point out the importance that her person is to me in deference to how her body elicits the physical response I have towards her.

She is in very good physical shape in every way that I find appealing. Okay, I think that she's smoking hot. I won’t make excuses about feeling that way either. It is, after all, the physicality that initially attracts us to someone. Is that shallow of me? To some degree, yes it is. However, I happen to be a person that feels that physical attraction is very important. If there is no physicality in a relationship, but everything else is “normal,” the relationship is doomed to failure. Period. Again, this is just in reference to me and my relationships. But I do think that it is the case for a great majority of folks.

So, as I said before, I have this amazingly beautiful woman that puts her hand in mine so that we can walk around the world together. That should be enough right? After all, she’s attractive -so that prerequisite is filled. She's a hot woman, she wants to be with me, away we go, right?

Not quite.

You see I also am quite funny when it comes to the person that I have as my partner. I will not forgive a raving bitch simply because she’s “hot”. I will not tolerate it, excuse it, overlook it, or ignore it. Perhaps that makes me odd, the fact that I won’t accept a trophy in lieu of a relationship.

If you have no problem with that practice, then go ahead and just stop reading. Nothing that I write from here on is gonna make any sense to you.

She is attractive, yes, but the person she is, is what attracts me to her. And that is the difference. Her person is also devastatingly beautiful.

Where is all this heading? Easy, if you can look at the person that you are in a relationship with and strip away the physicality of who they are, would you still be with them?

That is the great debate here. If someone is asked if they think so-and-so is attractive, and they say yes, then most would assume that they are attracted to them as well. In my case, this is completely untrue. While the wrapper may be appealing, it could easily be wrapped around a turd. Hersey’s chocolate kiss, or poop in a silver wrapper? I won’t blindly unwrap it and pop it in my mouth. Maybe you will, and that’s fine. But if you do and it turns out to be poop, you can’t bitch about the taste.

So here’s the thing. I want you to imagine the hottest person that you can, any person that you find really, really attractive. Picture them doing whatever it is that you desire. Shirtless on a beach, naked by a roaring fire, whatever it is, get that image in your mind and go with it. Study every nuance of their form, every curve of their body as it moves through your mind. Picture their hair color, or their facial hair, or their musculature, or their measurements, or their technique; picture whatever physical attributes they have that makes them attractive to you.

Got it? Good, now, they just rolled over and punched you square in the face, shattering your nose and sending bloody parts of you all over the sheets.

Still attracted to them?

I would hope not, and again, if you answer yes, quit reading here. There’s simply no hope for you.

If you answered no, then my question is; why not? (I'm playing devils' advocate, but go with it) After all, they are physically the same person. They didn’t sprout a third eye or a second head did they? Nothing about their physical make up has changed. The physical qualities that you find attractive about them are still exactly the same. They are still an attractive person in every physical sense that they were before they cracked you in the nose.

So then why aren’t you still attracted to them? Could it be because the person that they are to you has changed?

That is the difference between someone being attractive to you and you being attracted to someone.

You see, the two are incredibly independent of one another. A person can be attractive, without you being attracted to them. You are freely allowed to recognize that they are an attractive person, but shouldn’t you withhold any attraction to them until you know the person that they are?

Carrying this forward into a relationship, what would make you want to venture out of a loving caring relationship just to go chase someone that is merely attractive to you? What do you know about them that would warrant any true interest in them? If you just want a quick romp with someone, isn’t there someone at home that might like that attention?

You see, this is how I save myself the grief that comes with the worry about being unfaithful. I don’t worry about the idea, or the temptation of ever straying because of the person that my girlfriend is. In her I have someone that is attractive and someone that I am attracted to.

Why would I ever want to betray that?